How Babies Are Made

So...like I said, we're having a baby!  Lots of people have had questions and some people have them that don't wanna ask so you're probably gonna find out more than you ever wanted to here and now.  Because I'm an oversharer sometimes.  So sue me.

The first thing people generally want to know about pregnancies is if they are planned or if they a surprise.  Ours was...very unexpected.  I won't go into detail but I've had a few female health issues this past year and was basically told that getting pregnant would be an difficult uphill battle.  We weren't trying to get pregnant and we weren't even TALKING about trying to get pregnant but this news had thrown me for a loop so it was on my mind.  We just figured we'd come back to Dallas, get settled with houses, cars, jobs, and then we'd start fertility treatments if that's what we really wanted to do/had to do.  But God had other plans I guess.

Back in mid-April, Drew and I were in London for the weekend visiting Surrey and living the dream, when I mentioned that maybe I should buy a pregnancy test.  Certain body parts had inexplicably doubled in size and hurt bad and I suspected that pregnancy was the only reason, even though I KNEW KNEW KNEW I couldn't get pregnant.  We went to a pharmacy and they cost £16 and we both laughed and decided it was a waste of time and money and there really was no way I was pregnant.  We proceeded to eat and drink and enjoy our time there with reckless abandon.

Fast forward to Monday, and I have a nagging feeling that I just can't shake.  I need to buy the damn test and get it over with so I can relax.  We're going to Scotland on Wednesday for 5 days where the beer and wine will be flowin' and I'll just feel better knowing.  I go work out and buy it and come home to take it and shower.  I do my thing and I saw the first line fill in, like this ----.  Naturally.  Because there's no way I'm pregnant.  Whew!  I turn the water on and casually glance back at the test and it showed the same line with the FAINTEST vertical line ever.  I convinced myself that nothing was happening.  I got undressed and looked back a final time and checked again, and this time...it was big fat F-ing "+" sign.  Holy. shit.  I grabbed it and stared at it and started shaking and panting and screaming "OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD" over and over.  There's a good chance my neighbors thought I was getting being murdered.  I started talking out loud to myself like an insane person and took a fast shower and then Drew called.  The feeling of dread and fear magnified when I picked up the  phone because I wasn't gonna tell him then but I felt AWFUL and ridiculously guilty even talking to him when he had no f-ing idea what was going on or that I was freaking. out. freaking. out. freaking. out.

Everything we'd said was right, that even if I could get pregnant now isn't a good time, I'm going to want to drink and have fun the rest of our time here, the baby would potentially be born in Busy Season next year and that would be horrible for him and us.  If something bad happened, what if we were in Greece??  What about money??!?  Everything is bad and I can't believe I've been so anxious about getting pregnant so much and now I'm dreading telling Drew and am being an ungrateful idiot shit head and COMPLAINING, what the hell? What's going to happen?  This is against every odd and I don't know what to do or think.

I took another test.  It was negative - meaning inconclusive, like so much else in my life.  (But I did get to see that I oddly wanted it to be positive, like Rachel on Friends, so maybe I DO want this to happen?)  I busied myself with Googling false positive/negative results, with nothing/everything to report, and making dinner.  I tried to get Drew to come home early from work to no avail.  He finally came home late and was in a great mood and we sat down to dinner where I promptly burst into tears.  He looked shocked and horrified and I said "I don't know how to tell you this but...I was feeling weird and figured I should just buy a test, and I took it..." (more sobs) "...and it was positive."  He looked like he might cry or throw up but was smiling too.  And I said "I've been so scared to tell you, I know you're going to be pissed and I have no clue how it happened but..yeah."  And I told him about the negative one and how I might not be and OH HELLFIRE WHAT HAVE WE DONE!?!??  He did manage to say "Babe!  That's great!  Why would I be mad?  I'm not mad!  That's great!  I'm happy for you!  For us!" And then I cried more.

I took yet another test that night (positive) and another one the next morning ("when your wee is most potent" say the UK websites) after a sleepless night  (positive) and we both continued to freak out and shake our heads and reassuringly hug each other a lot even though we weren't sure of anything.

I went to the doctor that afternoon to confirm it and got a list of everything I can and can't do and can and can't eat and prenatal vitamins I've got to start taking now now NOW and this was all so surreal I can't even explain it.  The receptionist and pharmacist both told me "Congratulations!" and I laughed like it was a joke.  And then I realized it wasn't.  I met Drew at his office and we went and sat on the river in the sun and just stared at each other and nervously laughed and shook our heads and asked ourselves what the hell was going on.  Drew went back to work but I stayed on the river trying to pray but no words ever came out.

So there you have it.  The next month or two was a blur of trying to wrap our heads around it all and not give ourselves away in front of a thousand house guests that filtered through our apartment, including some very observant cousins and a mother-in-law who wants grandchildren more than anything.  Even now it's surreal and still feels funny but...here we go!  Let's do this.

At Long Last

I don't think I realized that it has been a full 2 months since I've last written.  At the urging of our friends Blair and Laura, I decided to revisit the ol' blog site and check things out.  And man oh man has it been awhile.  Whoops!

I have no real reason for my absence except that I've felt like I haven't had much to write about though that doesn't mean I necessarily need to go radio silent on all 4 of my readers.  I guess in truth I haven't felt much like writing because I've been feeling a little down since we got back.  The first two weeks were a whirlwind, seeing people and telling people our baby news and feeling like we were on a quick trip back to the States, and then we had to buy cars.  And continue living with our parents.  And work started for both of us.  And the hopeless house hunt began.  And real life hit us with a vengeance and so many life changes came at us at once and I've just tried to keep my head above water without letting the hormones and Dublin homesickness take over!

I miss Dublin.  And I miss our lives there.  But I need to accept it and mourn it and attempt to move on cause our lives are here now and it's going to be ok!  It's gotta be ok!  

I have happier and more entertaining blog posts ready to go in the upcoming days but this is my first trip back to Blogland and I decided to just be real about how we're feeling lately.

Stay tuned!

The Beginning

Here marks the beginning of our new lives; the first day of the rest of our lives (stateside), and any other cliche you can think of about new beginnings.  We are back in Dallas, back in the States after a ridiculously long journey home.  We've been back two weeks and while it hasn't been the most wonderful two weeks of our lives, we've done some fun things and had some good times and know it can only get better!

The day we left we were supposed to have a 5 hour layover in Boston.  A little long if you ask me, but doable.  Our 5 hour layover turned into an 11 hour layover and after major flight delays, cancellations, reroutings, and more delays, we landed in Dallas around 3:30am.  I understand why sleep deprivation is used as a torture device because we were both ready to call it quits by the time we got home.  We crashed and burned and awoke the next day ready to hit my parents with some fun news.

What news, you might ask?

WE'RE HAVING A BABY!  I'm pregnant!

Man, it feels good to get that out because I've been holding in this secret for a long time and have been wanting to write about it but couldn't.  So there it is.  Whew.  I'll devote a separate post to it next time.  Though this baby news has helped significantly in my excitement at returning to Dallas, because I otherwise may have been even more sad.  But this has made me a little happy about coming home and telling people!

We gave my parents an "Irish souvenir" that was actually a framed picture of the sonogram.  My dad didn't seem to know what he was looking at at first and I finally shouted "I'M PREGNANT!" while they gasped "Are you really!?" and my mom burst into tears and embraced me in a death grip.  She then said she already had a feeling I was and proceeded to bust out a Sofie the Giraffe toy she'd already wrapped.  Blew my mind.

We spent the next few days (sort of) unpacking our bags and hanging out with John and Lauren and Annie(!) and having 4th of July festivities with our friends, where I sheepishly told them our news.

(I use the term "sheepish" here because I (a) hate bringing things up/announcing things about myself to people and (b) I used to talk about babies ruining lives and how we were NOT READY for kids and here I am having one like a hypocrite.)

Everyone was mostly really excited for so that part was fun too!  We gave Annie a cute shirt ("I'm going to have a baby cousin!") we'd had made in Ireland and put it on her so she could walk out and John and Lauren could see it.  John didn't get it or believe it at first but they were both really pumped.  My aunt collapsed on the floor in hysterical sobs and couldn't believe it either.

Drew's family got home from their Mexican vacation a week after we got back to Dallas, and we were excited to tell them - though Susan's reactions to surprises are generally pretty underwheliming and I wasn't expecting much. Even though she's talked non-stop about a grandchild since 2009.  We gave them the same framed picture of the sonogram and Susan opened it on the couch with Beth and David and she slowly pulled the frame out of it's box and looked at it for a second.  "No..." she said.  "NO.  NO!  NO WAY!  NO!  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" and she jumped 10 feet in the air, screaming like a lunatic, running over to me and diving on top of me in my chair.  David yelled "Get off of her Susan, you're kneeing her in the stomach!" but she just kept screaming and petting me and squirming around.  She jumped on top of Drew next while Beth opened the baby bib we'd made her and there was more screaming and laughter.  We went out to dinner with them that night to celebrate and she insisted on sitting between Drew and I and I don't think she's ever touched us in the last 10 years as much as she did that night.  It was fun and I wish we'd taken a video.

It's almost the best part about being preggo - telling your family and friends and seeing their reactions!  That's definitely been a fun part about being home.  Here are some other random picture highlights of our first week or two back:

We forced Blake to Skype with us that week and made him open his "souvenir" and he was exhausted from work but still excited I think!

This is the shirt we made Annie!
(Photo credit: Lauren G.)

Reunited with our bestie Mere at the 4th of July party and it feels so good!
(This was the only picture I have from the day, I wish I could feature my other friends I reunited with too.)

Feeding ducks at White Rock Lake with our little Anniebooboo.

Someone's helping us make birthday brownies for my mom/Gigi.

We also got to go to Clark's ranch for an evening with some great peeps for a great time!

Drew, myself, and Kathleen watching the sunset.

Fun night out to Mico and One Nostalgia Place for some karaoke and darts.

And last but not least...our cheesy cliche "baby announcement" we posted on Instagram.  It's a baby Guinness.  Get it??

Being back has had its ups and downs, like a lot of administrative repatriation stuff and living with parents and trying to find cars and trying to figure out one's life and place here in Dallas, but I'm gonna go out on a limb and say something crazy here: it's good to be back.

The End

Our last day in Dublin.  We're back and forth between overwhelming emotions and no emotions at all.  Sadness, happiness, excitement, dread, numb, numb, numbness.

We packed some in the morning, and I went on a two-hour walk around Dublin to all my favorite spots for the last time.  I wandered down the canals and through Ranelagh and Donnybrook and Herbert Park and then through Sandymount over to the beach to sit for awhile and contemplate my life.  Sad and surreal.  We then met Ladonna at the Queen of Tarts for our last lunch meal, walked back through the city (where everything was shut down because some knacker was threatening to jump off a building - appropriate for my last day, no?) and told her goodbye and sprinted away before I could let myself sob.  We wandered through Trinity College (my alma mater) and enjoyed the old buildings for one last time, and strolled through Merrion Square where I said goodbye to Oscar Wilde and the beautiful field of flowers where I spent so much time reading and lounging, and then home to pack, pack, and pack some more into the 5 remaining suitcases we had left.

I cleaned out some old drawers I'd forgotten about and found a lot of random memorabelia that made me smile.  There was an old church program with a list of different Dublin churches we could try, from our very short foray into church shopping.  A business card for the cab driver who picked us up from the airport when we first landed in Ireland and were scared shitless.  Beer tasting notes from Tracy's beer tasting party when we first moved.  A note from Lindsay she sent with Kathleen to Croatia.  A School of Humanities handbook from Trinity College.  A macaron box from Meredith in Paris.  An ornament I'd been given from the American Women's Club.  All things that held such special memories and meant so much at various points in our two year adventure.

We decided to get some pre-dinner Guinness at Slattery's, again, where it all began our first day.  We saw Stefan and were reminded how he asked us if we were "tirsty", and we thought he said "touristy", and we preceeded to tell him we were from Texas when he could care less.  We sipped our thick beers knowing this was the last time we'd ever get any good Irish ones in awhile.  We went to our home away from home, Paulie's, for dinner, where they know us by name - and brought us champagne and limoncello shots because they knew it was our last supper.  We then met a few of our best pals at Searson's to watch the US World Cup game and tearfully tell people goodbye for the last time, even though I swore I wouldn't cry.

The emotions I'd kept bottled up came spilling out and didn't stop.  I cried a lot that night going to sleep, feeling nervous and scared and sad that our amazing adventure was over and nothing but the real world awaited us when we got back.  I teared up leaving our apartment and driving off down Lower Mount Street.  We got our 5 huge suitcases checked in and I cried as the plane took off over the bright green island.  It was officially over.

How do you sum up something that was so life changing and perhaps the best time of you and your husband's life thus far?  I guess you don't, besides saying just that.  It was truly the time of our lives and I'll be forever grateful for it and will forever miss it.

And now it's back to the real world, back to our friends and family that we love, and back for a new adventure and surprise...that I'll write about soon.

The end.  For now.

Moving Day

Today is our moving/packing/shipping day!  We got back Thursday, and while I didn't want the trip to end, it felt REALLY nice being able to not live out of a suitcase and be back in our own home.  We've been prepping all weekend, checking things off bucket lists, packing, organizing, cleaning, and now the movers are finally here and are packing us up as we speak.  It's kind of surreal and I can't actually believe that we'll be on in a plane to the US in 48 hours.  I honestly think we've both been too busy and too frazzled to even stop and think about what this means and how we're actually feeling.

We also had our going away party this weekend - if you can even call it that - which consisted of a bunch of our friends all gathering at our favorite local pub for some low key drinks.  It was a great turn out and really good to have everyone I love in one place and it made me feel very...blessed.  Which is cheesy and cliche but it's true.  We received a lot of incredibly thoughtful going away gifts and really meaningful cards from our friends that I know I'll keep forever.  We've been so lucky with our friends here which has been such a humongous blessing.

I said goodbye to several friends on Saturday, several more yesterday at a girls brunch, and I'll probably see a few more tonight and tomorrow night before we actually leave.  (Drew was like "Lauren, you've gotta quit dragging this out.  You have to tell them all goodbye eventually."  NO I DON'T!  Leave me alone!)  Saying goodbye gives me anxiety and I don't wanna do it!

These last two days, we'll...walk around the city, hit up our favorite places a few more times, continue numbing ourselves and not thinking about what this all means, and try not to cry.  I feel like I should be feeling...more.  But I'm not.  I'm just numb.  And sad.  And weirdly excited.  And numb.  Maybe this means that it's just time to go..?  Our time here is done, and that's ok..?  I don't know and I don't get it but for now, I'll just let it ride.

Here we have Lauren (who I also call Ladonna, one of my best friends), Tracy (whose been with us since Day 1, and is staying another year in Dublin, lucky bitch), and my other friend Lauren B. (who I met through the American Women's Club)

And here's Diana (who I met through Drew's coworker, from NYC), and Deena (who I met through Meredith, works at Yelp)

Drew and Ian, one of his best friends that we've been tight with since our second month in Dubs

Me and Autumn, one of the main players in my Dublin life since the beginning!

All four of us!

Us and TP - couldn't have done this journey without her!

Drew's friend Anthony from Boston - they work together

Me and Micah!  Another Dallas transplant that I became really tight with since they moved here in October.  (We also went to Istanbul with them)

Drew with Jeff (Micah's husband), Anthony, and Andrew (another friend from NYC we met awhile ago)

It was a ton of fun and very bittersweet seeing them all and telling them all goodbye.  Ugh.  I hate life changes.

Anyway...all day Sunday, we laid out everything we owned in our tiny "dining room" area, much like we did in Dallas before we left, so we could show the packers what to pack and take and ship.  I don't think I realized we had that much stuff but it was a ton more than we anticipated!

Yikes.

This is a blurry picture of Drew riding his bike home along the canal after a dinner in Ranelagh on a lovely evening in Dublin.

And me walking home by myself, enjoying the moment and the sun setting on our quiet street, taking it all in.

Gonna go contemplate my fate.  More later.

Saint Jean de Luz

The very last stop on our 3-week tour was a tiny French town just over the Spanish border called Saint Jean de Luz for two days.  It almost combined the charming tiny French village you think of (like the movie Chocolat) plus the beach town vibe of San Sebastian.  They had evidently just had a festival the week before, where it was REALLY hoppin', but then the city shut down for a week or two (while we were there) to gear up for tourist season in July.  This made the town have a much sleepier feel to it than we thought, but it was still delightful all the same.  We did the Rick Steves' walking tour, wandered around, ate yummy food, watched World Cup games, ate ice cream, did some hiking, and just attempted to savor these last moments of our trip.  Here are some pics:

Dinner at Kako, a hotel recommendation for classic French food.

They were known for their Cote de Boeuf with frites, so naturally we got that.

Sunset on the water our first night there.

This pic is far away, but I became enthralled with this idyllic cliffside field thing on the far side of the beach.  It looked like something you might see in a fairy tale, with a random path leading over the hill and a tiny cottage perched up high.  So I made Drew go exploring with me.

Then we stopped for ice cream where they made our scoops into beautiful flowers.  

Everyone told us (and everything we'd read) that there were more Michelin star restaurants per capita in San Sebastian and Saint Jean de Luz than like...anywhere else in the world.  Though we didn't want to spend the money and had low expectations, we figured we'd splurge on our last night at Zoko Moko.  We consider ourselves "foodies" but not necessarily the snooty Michelin-star tasting-menu frou-frou kind - so we were skeptical about this whole damn thing.  But really...this place was worth every euro and worth every Michelin star because we love love LOVED everything we put in our mouths!

The "Amuse Bouche", which consisted of some sort of sandwich, some parmesan crisps with a creamy dip, and a frittata with chorizo.  Tiny food but it packed a punch!

This was my "warm octopus salad with green beans, green and white asparagus, mushrooms,  and bacon".

This was Drew's slow cooked "farm egg" with ham and some sort of breadcrumb Morel stew.  I didn't get it but it was damn good.

My cod with Viscayenne chiles, pink garlic, spinach, and hazelnut butter.

Drew's Boeuf du Pays Basque with a variety of veg and beef cheek-stuffed carrots.  

Dessert: Triple Chocolate Txuri Beltz 2014 (the exact title - no clue what it means), but it was basically a layer of crunchy chocolate goodness, then a layer of chocolate mousse and ice cream, then....

...they poured rich chocolate sauce all over it and melted it all together and I did everything I could NOT to lick my plate clean.  One of the best desserts I've ever had, no joke.

Then as a bonus, we got "petits fours", or really just caramel crunch and stuffed pretzel goodness in a chocolatey caramel sauce.  

Cheers to a magical trip!  And the end of an era!  And the end of our lives as we know it.

That was dramatic...but that's how I felt.  We had just experienced 3 weeks of bliss and I knew that what awaited us in Dublin was packing, goodbyes, and a one-way ticket home to Dallas that we still had mixed feelings about.  So we just soaked up our last evening, cried a little on the plane ride home (me), and braced ourselves for what lied ahead.  More on that to come.

We obviously loved our trip and will probably never have the chance to do something like that again...for a long, long time, at least.  We lived it up and made the most of it and took advantage and enjoyed our time together seeing this part of the world.  Goodbye, Second Honeymoon!  I shall miss you and think of you every day for a long long time.

San Sebastian

Ahhh, San Sebastian.  A belle époque European beach city you might think of in the 1950's or 60's, with the bright blue water, the high rise unchanging resorts on the waterfront, the outdoor cafes on the promenade...just pure nostalgia and happiness and beauty in my opinion.  We enjoyed two quiet low key days here full of eating and drinking and beach time, along with some hiking and a stop by the city aquarium cause I'm a sucker for that stuff.  So this was basically like every other part of our trip.

View from our pretty hotel room.

View on the beach.  No nudists out this time.

More flowers and palm trees and city centres.

I'm clearly a sucker for old school government buildings.

A blurry sunset picture over the harbor.

We hiked up to the "mountain" on the east side of the bay one day.  There's a large statue of Jesus that looks over the city, kinda like in Rio.

Two sweaty hikers.

Peace!  

Now onto the aquarium!  This is a huge whale skeleton because evidently the whaling industry used to be huge in San Sebastian.

A trippy light tank full of jelly fish.  

Starfish!

They had a MASSIVE tank where all kinds of huge fish swam in front of you and over you, and this 8-foot long bull shark kept passing over me.  And I got scared.

A blurry picture of a huge eel, like the one in The Little Mermaid.  No thank you.

A crazy cuttlefish!

Another giant eel hiding in a clay pot.
(Remember in Super Mario Brothers with N64 and there was an underwater level where you had to lure this giant eel out of the ship so Mario could get in?  That's what this reminds me of.)

I don't know what these guys are but they are about the size of a large straw and they kept poking their "heads" in and out of their hidey-holes.  Kinda funny.

Tons of Nemos!

Relaxing at a Gintoneria - these Spaniards LOVE their gin and tonics.  And that means I do too now.

And lastly...our pintxos!  We went on a pinxtos crawl through the old town and ate a couple bites and drank some wine at each place before moving on to the next ones.  It was so fun and so cheap and so delicious and filling!

If you ever find yourself in Northern Spain and are looking for a bit of relaxing and great food, San Sebastian is your place.  Besides all of the pintxos we mentioned above (Rick Steves has a great little crawl route that we took), they also have the highest number of Michelin stars per capita of any city in the world.  Overall, it was a great place to visit for a little fun in the sun!