So...like I said, we're having a baby! Lots of people have had questions and some people have them that don't wanna ask so you're probably gonna find out more than you ever wanted to here and now. Because I'm an oversharer sometimes. So sue me.
The first thing people generally want to know about pregnancies is if they are planned or if they a surprise. Ours was...very unexpected. I won't go into detail but I've had a few female health issues this past year and was basically told that getting pregnant would be an difficult uphill battle. We weren't trying to get pregnant and we weren't even TALKING about trying to get pregnant but this news had thrown me for a loop so it was on my mind. We just figured we'd come back to Dallas, get settled with houses, cars, jobs, and then we'd start fertility treatments if that's what we really wanted to do/had to do. But God had other plans I guess.
Back in mid-April, Drew and I were in London for the weekend visiting Surrey and living the dream, when I mentioned that maybe I should buy a pregnancy test. Certain body parts had inexplicably doubled in size and hurt bad and I suspected that pregnancy was the only reason, even though I KNEW KNEW KNEW I couldn't get pregnant. We went to a pharmacy and they cost £16 and we both laughed and decided it was a waste of time and money and there really was no way I was pregnant. We proceeded to eat and drink and enjoy our time there with reckless abandon.
Fast forward to Monday, and I have a nagging feeling that I just can't shake. I need to buy the damn test and get it over with so I can relax. We're going to Scotland on Wednesday for 5 days where the beer and wine will be flowin' and I'll just feel better knowing. I go work out and buy it and come home to take it and shower. I do my thing and I saw the first line fill in, like this ----. Naturally. Because there's no way I'm pregnant. Whew! I turn the water on and casually glance back at the test and it showed the same line with the FAINTEST vertical line ever. I convinced myself that nothing was happening. I got undressed and looked back a final time and checked again, and this time...it was big fat F-ing "+" sign. Holy. shit. I grabbed it and stared at it and started shaking and panting and screaming "OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD" over and over. There's a good chance my neighbors thought I was getting being murdered. I started talking out loud to myself like an insane person and took a fast shower and then Drew called. The feeling of dread and fear magnified when I picked up the phone because I wasn't gonna tell him then but I felt AWFUL and ridiculously guilty even talking to him when he had no f-ing idea what was going on or that I was freaking. out. freaking. out. freaking. out.
Everything we'd said was right, that even if I could get pregnant now isn't a good time, I'm going to want to drink and have fun the rest of our time here, the baby would potentially be born in Busy Season next year and that would be horrible for him and us. If something bad happened, what if we were in Greece?? What about money??!? Everything is bad and I can't believe I've been so anxious about getting pregnant so much and now I'm dreading telling Drew and am being an ungrateful idiot shit head and COMPLAINING, what the hell? What's going to happen? This is against every odd and I don't know what to do or think.
I took another test. It was negative - meaning inconclusive, like so much else in my life. (But I did get to see that I oddly wanted it to be positive, like Rachel on Friends, so maybe I DO want this to happen?) I busied myself with Googling false positive/negative results, with nothing/everything to report, and making dinner. I tried to get Drew to come home early from work to no avail. He finally came home late and was in a great mood and we sat down to dinner where I promptly burst into tears. He looked shocked and horrified and I said "I don't know how to tell you this but...I was feeling weird and figured I should just buy a test, and I took it..." (more sobs) "...and it was positive." He looked like he might cry or throw up but was smiling too. And I said "I've been so scared to tell you, I know you're going to be pissed and I have no clue how it happened but..yeah." And I told him about the negative one and how I might not be and OH HELLFIRE WHAT HAVE WE DONE!?!?? He did manage to say "Babe! That's great! Why would I be mad? I'm not mad! That's great! I'm happy for you! For us!" And then I cried more.
I took yet another test that night (positive) and another one the next morning ("when your wee is most potent" say the UK websites) after a sleepless night (positive) and we both continued to freak out and shake our heads and reassuringly hug each other a lot even though we weren't sure of anything.
I went to the doctor that afternoon to confirm it and got a list of everything I can and can't do and can and can't eat and prenatal vitamins I've got to start taking now now NOW and this was all so surreal I can't even explain it. The receptionist and pharmacist both told me "Congratulations!" and I laughed like it was a joke. And then I realized it wasn't. I met Drew at his office and we went and sat on the river in the sun and just stared at each other and nervously laughed and shook our heads and asked ourselves what the hell was going on. Drew went back to work but I stayed on the river trying to pray but no words ever came out.
So there you have it. The next month or two was a blur of trying to wrap our heads around it all and not give ourselves away in front of a thousand house guests that filtered through our apartment, including some very observant cousins and a mother-in-law who wants grandchildren more than anything. Even now it's surreal and still feels funny but...here we go! Let's do this.
