Limbo

The job search...isn't going well.  And this limbo feeling is for the birds!  I've applied for a gazillion jobs and have either gotten rejection letters, or nothing at all.  And in this case...no news is probably bad news.  Though I've had a good and positive and busy week again, I still don't really know what to do or what to apply for or how to proceed with anything.  I don't know anything about anything and I'm stuck!  It's a less than desirable feeling and one I've struggled with since freshman year of college unfortunately.  I never really knew what the hell I wanted to DO in college, or in life, so I went to UT and happened to place out of a bunch of Spanish classes and somehow found myself majoring in Spanish because it was the easy route.  And two years into it I thought, "Hey.  French might be cool to learn." So I started taking French classes.  And then I found out I could get degrees in BOTH of them and not have to work all that hard so I DID, never giving a thought to the fact that these degrees SUCK, yet feeling insecure about them all the while.

Enter 3 years of marketing, an industry I don't like or feel passionate about.  Because I don't like or feel passionate about anything.  After 9 months of job searching, I land a dream job at Genesis, getting to use the actual thing I went to school for, getting to build relationships with people, which I love, getting to HELP people.  I feel good about myself and my job and my self-worth for the first time, despite a kooky boss and minimal pay.

Then our dreams come true and we come to Europe, live the dream in Dublin, but the self-loathing and the college feelings start sinking in again sometimes.  I can't get a job doing even the most menial of tasks.  I don't have a "career" to speak of or work towards.  No one in Ireland knows these American companies and on paper, my resume is evidently screwing me over.  But at the same time, I don't want a job I'll hate!  And if I have this conversation with people one more time, I'll scream.

I kinda feel like I should just decide....ok.  I won't work.  I gave it a try and now I'll just commit to keeping myself busy and bettering myself without a job.  But I know some part of me feels like I'm letting Drew down because of it and because I know he wants me to have a job.  And the self-loathing and worthless feelings come back even harder and heavier when I think of it like that.

Despite this yuck feeling that creeps up occasionally, I had a really great week last week.  I went to my friend's apartment (and took the bus by myself for the first time, big deal) for lunch and a movie.  I went to the first annual American Women's meeting Thursday with my new pal Lauren and her friend Mandi.  We cabbed it over there and we all had to sit at different tables but it was actually fine.  I even stood up in front of the entire room of people and introduced myself without incident!  I chatted with young moms to my right and 90 year old women at my left, chatted with lots of different girls after, and then went to a fun lunch with Lauren and Mandi when the meeting was over.  Does all of this stuff mean I'm growing?  I was feeling good and loving the weather so I decided to ride this good mood all the way over to the Cervantes Institute to get my assessment for Spanish classes.  (I realized that maybe I should focus on a language that I could continue to use if/when I come back to Texas.  Though French isn't completely out of the running yet.)  I struggled a little bit on the grammar/written part, but I DOMINATED on the spoken part.  She said I needed some brushing up on my grammar but after speaking to me, she wanted to put me in the high(er) level class.  Woohoo!  That really helped my self-esteem, which I needed.  I was happy.

Sorry.  Not trying to complain but...I need to vent occasionally.  More reports about our weekend with John and Natalie to come!