Job Search

It's become painfully clear that I need to get a job of some sort.  And I still feel conflicted and don't REALLY want to get one but...I can't keep going on as I do.  Meaning...I can't send Drew off to work and then hop back in bed for 2-3 hours.  I can't sit around the house in my pajamas all day, leaving the house in the afternoons only to read in a park or go grocery shopping.  The behavior I'm describing might lead one to believe that I've fallen into some sort of depression, when that assessment couldn't be farther from the truth!  I'm happy here.  I really like it here.  But really...my depressive behavior is nothing more than PURE LAZINESS.  I am the laziest sack o' junk that I know right now and the lazier I get, the less I care.  I guess that's how it works with laziness, right?  And I fear that my brain may be rotting away.  I'm flying through books while I'm here so I know some of my brain still works, but mostly I keep myself distracted from this fear of brain rot by popping another Dawson's Creek DVD into my computer to watch.  Not good.

Which means...this week, I've got to start searching for a job.  This in itself presents several conflicting emotions and thoughts.  People here have already started asking about jobs and my work experience in the States and what kind of work I want to do.  I explain that I worked at a marketing agency for 3 years, and then changed my "career" and was a social worker at a non-profit for two years.  I get a lot of "Oooohhhhhhhh.  Ok.  Gotcha." - meaning they don't know what to say, or how to help me with my job search with something so varied and bipolar as that.  And because I have marketing experience, people (coughcough DREW coughcough) assume that I just want to go back to marketing.  I don't.  I hated it.  And just because I have that experience doesn't mean I feel like I should just go straight back to marketing just to have some extra money.  I think I'd be really unhappy doing that.  So then...why not social work?  Well...I don't have a social work degree.  I somehow, by the grace of God, got hired at Genesis against all odds and was trained to be a social worker.  I'm not even sure anyone here in Ireland would entertain the idea of hiring an American to work at a non-profit without a degree in the thing she's trying to do.  And they don't need Spanish speakers here - they need Polish speakers.  That's out too.  So basically...I've started looking at secretary/administrative assistant/executive assistant/office manager positions.  I feel like I could do those well and use the skills I've obtained from my other jobs to do that type of work.  Am I dumbing myself down because I have no confidence to get any other job?  Maybe.  Probably.  Because that's what I do with almost everything in my life.  But honestly..I just don't know what else to do or in what industry to look!  

Before I came here I thought it might be cool to do something completely different, something I would probably never entertain in the States.  I looked at a job online to work at the cheese counter at a fancy food market.  People have suggested working at a coffee shop or pub.  I would totally do these things but...I also need my nights and weekends free.  Is that too much to ask?  Probably.  Any job I come across, I can pretty much talk myself out of wanting to apply for it for so many reasons.  I'm not qualified.  It sounds boring.  I'd never get it.  And the Irish economy isn't great and this whole thing is just frustrating and I feel defeated before I've even started it.  And really...all this laziness and cynicism about working is probably just masking my insecurity and paralyzing self-doubt, as per usual.  I don't want to apply for jobs, because I don't want to interview, because I don't want to sound stupid and not know what I'm talking about, because I don't wanna blow it, and because I don't want to get rejected and feel like an idiot.  This is the vicious cycle of thoughts that runs through my mind!  Before I numb it with worthless DVDs, that is.  Sigh.

Tomorrow, I'll wake up when Drew does, and not get back in bed.  I'll start looking at job boards and apply to any and all jobs that sound the least bit interesting, even if I'm not qualifed.  I'll cast a wide net and see what comes my way, and worry about the fear and anxiety and insecurity later.  Tomorrow, I also stop eating sleeves of cookies and start eating vegetables.  (That has nothing to do with jobs, just more resolutions for the week.  Why not.)  Tomorrow (or another day this week), I'll go to the French Alliance and get an assessment done for me to begin taking French classes.  Tomorrow, my laziness turns to productivity!  God willing.  I've said things like this in previous posts but I don't think it hurts to make new resolutions for yourself occasionally, even weekly!  Stay tuned.