The Night Before

We leave for Ireland tomorrow.  I'm laying in bed and it's midnight and Drew's at his house and I'm at mine and I should be trying to fall asleep, but I wanted to write down a few of my thoughts I guess.  I'm ready to go.  I'm ready to quit talking about it with everyone and ready to stop answering the same questions and ready to get the sad goodbye parts over with, go to the airport, go through security, get on the plane, and breathe.  I think we'll both be ok once all of that happens.  So much build-up and anxiety to deal with and I think we're just ready for the anticipation to be over.

I've mostly been trying to numb myself.  I haven't cried too much, only today when telling Kell goodbye, and Kathleen, and someone else I'm not remembering.  And I want to sob my eyes out everytime I think of leaving Murphy (precious dog/love of my life) or Annie (squishy bebe niece/love of my life).  Those two worry me the most - with dogs and babies, you have to be physically present to have a relationship with them.  You can't Skype or text with them.  Everyone else you can.  I'm worried about my mom, who has been crying a lot, but I have a feeling that the anticipation of the goodbye and of me leaving will be worse than the actual leaving itself.  Or I hope so.

My brain is kind of blank and fuzzy right now, which means the numbing is working.  I don't know whether that's a good or a bad thing.  I think it's a fairly healthy coping skill, something that's new and different for me because I'm generally a big jumbled emotional mess about anything and everything.  I've been eating and drinking wine a lot too.  My pants don't fit that well.  Ha.  Ah well.  It'll all even out and be ok.  

Generally, before big life events, like weddings, or graduations, or anything else, I am much more nostalgic than I'm being now.  I do the whole "Ahh!  This is my last time to ever eat at this restaurant!" or "This is my last time to ever drive down this particular street on this particular day!" or anything else ridiculous.  But I really haven't done that and I'm not sure why.  Maybe because I know it's not permanent, and I'll be back in 5 months.  And after two years, I'll most likely be back for good.  My goodbyes have been varied and often but they have generally been very short and sweet, with no teary emotional things said, except "Have so much fun!"  And we will!

  

I'm struggling with being myself and authentic and real in this thing, but I find it hard to be as real as I want when it's a blog that parents and kids alike all read.  Sigh.  I guess I'll have to work on that and find my voice.  Or something.

It's 12:20 and I know I need to go to bed.  Tomorrow morning will come fast and I don't think I'm prepared.  ACK!  I just got a pit in my stomach.  I can't believe it's tomorrow and can't believe it's really happening, after all the years of dreaming and hoping and praying and wishing.  Wow.  Ok.  Deep breaths.  I can do this.